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Friday, January 2nd, 2015
6:20 pm - not dead
but daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam, it was close.

November 13. semi-TMI territory; it's the last day of my period.
suddenly, cramps return.
then get worse.
somewhere around 2130, Peter decides to call an ambulance. this pisses me off [i found out a few days ago he did it because i was NOT COHERENT. i didn't even realize]

by the time the ambulance gets here, i'm actually okay with the plan. except getting dressed was utterly OUT of the question. i ended up going in just my robe.
[then they make me WALK the 9 stairs out of the apartment, and down the almost-20 back to the street. i think *this* damaged me as much as anything...]

i get to Grant.
the ER doc? is a dick. he first jumps to the conclusion that i *MUST* have an STI, and never even asks if it's possible [and never says word ONE about possible pregnancy? REALLY??? if *I* didn't know better, i'd think i was having a miscarriage! gods, i'm still annoyed by that whole portion. and amused, because he never flat out SAID he thought i had an STI; that was all me calling him out. anyway]
THEN there was the pain medication issue.
he ordered me 1mg of duladid.
[i have, SOMEHOW, gotten my pain management doctor to increase my fentanyl dose back to 100...]
and this fucker looked me straight in the eye and said "Patients in pain management are more resistant to narcotics. you'll just have to accept that we may not be able to control your pain."

i am *NOT* a junkie. i would give almost anything to live without having to take pain meds.

three hours later, i get this weird-ass visit from him, where he hems and haws and hovers, seeming almost embarrassed...
because, you see, i had a Real Problem. and if he hadn't ACCIDENTALLY written orders for a CT that were BROADER than he intended, he'd never have caught it and i'd have been DEADDEADDEAD before they actually released me from the ER.

short explanation here: pain meds FUCK WITH YOUR BODY. in this case, my intestinal track. it had *ruptured*. i'm truly lucky i didn't *bleed to death*. and then there's Peritonitis

so the next thing i know, i've got surgeons. lots of 'em. and another 2mg of duladid, which ALMOST worked. i asked for one more mg, but they said no, because we were going into surgery the SECOND a suite was ready.
i totally blew off everything else i was told. they kept trying to explain things to me. i'd been talking in one word increments since BEFORE the ambulance came. all i really remember is asking them to hurry up and put me under. okay, and turning over my jewelery and contacts to be put in the safe, and saying *YES* they should call Peter and my dad.

i went into surgery on the 14th.
i woke up on the 23rd.
all i know about the reason the kept me in a coma is that "I wouldn't breathe on my own."
i assume i *did* have Peritonitis, since that essentially happens whenever there's any sort of structural breach of the intestinal track. but other than that, i got nothin'. well, a LOT of crazy dreams [that literally could *NOT* have happened, as they involve TALKING to people when i had a fucking tube down my throat...]

i slowly started to get better. i continued hallucinating for several days, but there were... less total? i could still interact with people, just...
oh, and there's the one nurse i was CONVINCED was trying to kill me. i'd feel bad about that, but she took it so NORMALLY. ["Why are you opening her pills right in front of her like that?" "Oh, she thinks i'm trying to kill her, no big deal." actual quotes!]

i was transferred to a rehab hospital on the 1st of December.
i might write about that place in some other post -- shortest version? it most held long term PSYCH patients [without proper protocols *FOR* psych patients] and was... bad. *SO* bad. *ANDANDAND!* I COULDN'T GET ANY INTERNET!!!

i finally got to come home December 23rd...
and it took me a week to really be able to stay awake more than hour or two.

and i've got essentially two months of email..........

and at *SOME* point while i was in the coma?

*SOMEONE CUT MY HAIR* it had been a couple inches past my knees -- when i woke up, some of it was almost to my waist, the bulk was not quite to my where my bra strap would be, and some of it was barely chin length!
WHY DID SOMEONE CUT MY HAIR?!?! there was no order, no reason, and NO FUCKING RECORD!


also all my jewelery disappeared.

and the fucking security people CONTINUE to try and tell me BOTH things happened in the ambulance, despite me taking off my necklace for an xray, handing all my jewelery over to a nurse, and the five-minute discussion revolving around the hair clip keeping my hair up right before the surgery. THE AMBULANCE DRIVERS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER MY JEWELERY OR MY HAIR!!!

i;m actually thinking of suing..........

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Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
3:59 am - i have been damned
and so have every other Ohioan patient in long term pain management who doesn't have cancer.

see, there is a problem with Rx drug abuse. there are people who *pretend* to have chronic pain to get pain meds, then sell them on the street.**

so, because of this, there are new regulations.

regulation one: unless a person has cancer, they are NO LONGER ALLOWED to have any narcotic for breakthrough pain.
regulation two: unless has a person has cancer, they are no longer allowed to have dose of anything that is higher than 80 mmg [micrograms] per 15 minutes. if i have understood the math, this is the equivalent of a fentanyl patch that is 80 mmg [it's a 3 day patch that would give that exact dose - 80 mmg/15 minutes - *IF* fentanyl CAME in that dosage] *OR* Oxycontin 15 mg/8 hours

what this means for me?

well, my dose of meds has been shrinking for a WHILE. 15 months ago, i was on a fentanyl dose 150 mmg [it's a 3 day patch] *AND* an oxy dose of 30 mg every SIX hours.
2 months ago, as of this friday, it was fentanyl 100 [*MY* choice] and oxy 15mg/6 hours.
it's 75 fentanyl. PERIOD.

can we just cover - that first dosage from 15 months ago? worked. i dropped the fentanyl patch dosage because it was fucking up my skin, not because i didn't NEED that high a dose. i absolutely did. that level - fentanyl 150 oxy 30 - kept my pain level between a 7 and an 8. closer to 8, yes, but any MORE and i couldn't function AT ALL.

it's all about balance between meds that fuck your brain and pain that fucks your brain.

when my meds got lowered to 100 and 15, i had to do less. i quit going to LARP, because sitting for 4 hours once a week was took fucking much - it was, quite literally, taking me 3 DAYS to recover from those 4 hours. and it was NOT AT ALL FUCKING FUN TO LARP, it hurt too bad, i couldn't concentrate, couldn't stay in character.... yeah.

now i was forced off the oxy TOTALLY, and at ONCE - no weaning. withdrawal FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!
it wasn't AS BAD as it could be... at least i still had the [lower dose of] fentanyl.

last month, my pain management doctor told me -quite calmly - that she wouldn't lower my fentanyl dose for another month or two. i FREAKED. she didn't care. i told her - AGAIN!!!! that it wasn't working, and her attitude is that if it doesn't help enough, then i shouldn't take anything at all.

can we cover the fact that my pain hasn't even been as LOW as an 8 since this happened? most days, IT'S A FUCKING 9. i haven't slept since SUNDAY because i hurt THAT BAD.

and she's going to take me off FENTANYL, TOO. the ONLY reason she isn't just cutting it off? is because that would probably literally kill me.

within a year, my life? will be completely, totally untenable.

i am terrified. i have, over the past year and a half, been cutting most of the pieces of life i still had OUT, because i have become unable to maintain. typing HURTS - it's taken me 2 hours to type THIS much.

i don't know what to do.

i need an advocate. a MEDICAL ADVOCATE. i don't know how to get one. i've TRIED - but every program i've called either only does people over 65, *OR* wants me to declare myself literally *incompetent*
but once even the little amount of pain relief i still have is gone? i might be then.

i don't drink. i've never enjoyed it, at all - and i kicked and screamed and fought for MONTHS to not go on ANY of the pain meds, and the ONLY reason i caved? is because my surgeon REFUSED to operate on me UNLESS i was on them... and then i was, literally, in so much pain that i COULD NOT THINK WITHOUT THEM.

i am wondering is there is ANY chance whiskey will do anything. at all.

i am...
i am so beyond terrified. i.......
i don't think i can do this.
i don't know WHAT to do.

help? advise? something?

also, there is this:

** Can someone tell me WHY WE CARE?!?! dude, i don't fucking care if someone does HEROIN, so long as they aren't hurting anyone else! [and a HUGE part of "hurting someone else" comes from people do to GET heroin - or coke or meth or WHATEVER - BECAUSE it's illegal. and I. DON'T. GET. IT. why the FUCK do we CARE?!] if people want to fuck themselves up, then let them. do i approve of people doing heroin and etc? not my business, so long as no one is getting hurt. personally, i think the rec drug trade should be legalized, regulated, then TAXED. make sure that every dose of heroin and etc is as *safe* as possible, that people with children aren't doing it [as in - take the kids AWAY if they have them and do HARD drugs], they don't get gov't assistance EXCEPT to get OFF the drugs if they try to quit. if it's NOT hard drugs - if it's something like, say, POT - treat it like alcohol.
at THAT point, the black market Rx trade would be a LOT less... fraught? yeah, that's the word. i mean, SERIOUSLY, who the FUCK CARES if Joe Blow is faking pain to get drugs he doesn't need, either for rec use or for selling? as long as either A) he isn't hurting anyone ELSE with his rec use, or B) is ONLY selling to adults who are not A, THEN WHY THE FUCK DO WE FUCKING CARE!?!?! i just literally cannot understand this - AND I HATE DRUGS WITH AN UNHOLY BURNING PASSION. i *HATE* that i cannot fucking function without them, and this fact - that i literally cannot get myself off my fucking bed without these fucking meds - is the thing that has driven me CLOSEST to suicide. I FUCKING HATE FUCKING DRUGS - but i have ZERO right to tell OTHERS that they cannot use them, so long as they aren't hurting anyone else.
i. just.
i guarantee that there will be LOTS of chronic pain patients suiciding. i don't want to be one. did i mention i am TERRIFIED?!?!

crossposted to livejournal/dreamwidth, which means it shows up on facebook.

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Thursday, August 8th, 2013
6:20 am - stuff and things
long time no write. for... lots of reasons. take forever to describe.

looking for someone willing to read, well, a LOT of writing. it is, in a sense, fan fic. it is, technically, self-insert fan fic. so i'm not actually expecting anyone to agree. but it TOOK OVER MY BRAIN, i've got something like 700 pages of it [in OpenOffice, TimesNewRoman 12pt font] and i am currently a bit... stuck.

short version of what it is, fan-fic wise - post IronMan 3/Extremis, but it is any/all "Marvel Movies" [Xmen, Fantastic 4, etc]

seriously, it's eaten my brain. i haven't been able to write about ANYTHING ELSE!

i have a couple people i gave it to months ago. i mean, like FOUR MONTHS AGO. 1 finally just finished it last weekend, but doesn't know enough about Marvel to help. the other person? hasn't really read it. sigh.
someone help?

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Thursday, April 25th, 2013
9:17 pm
I Am A: Lawful Good Human Sorcerer/Rogue (3rd/3rd Level)

Ability Scores:







Lawful Good A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment when it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.

Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Primary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

Secondary Class:
Rogues have little in common with each other. While some - maybe even the majority - are stealthy thieves, many serve as scouts, spies, investigators, diplomats, and simple thugs. Rogues are versatile, adaptable, and skilled at getting what others don't want them to get. While not equal to a fighter in combat, a rogue knows how to hit where it hurts, and a sneak attack can dish out a lot of damage. Rogues also seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to avoiding danger. Experienced rogues develop nearly magical powers and skills as they master the arts of stealth, evasion, and sneak attacks. In addition, while not capable of casting spells on their own, a rogue can sometimes 'fake it' well enough to cast spells from scrolls, activate wands, and use just about any other magic item.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

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Tuesday, November 27th, 2012
3:34 am - the reappearing disappearing me...
 i miss you all.

i miss talking to mitrian about story ideas and doing too much math to work out solar output
i miss reading kasan's comics miss
reading gryph's stories
i miss duh-i-read's wonderful fanfic - she's one of like FOUR people who write fanfic i ACTUALLY LIKE
i miss courtney [and still owe her $200-ish]
i miss shara's bookclub
i miss tanyd and tapati and...

i miss you all

and i suck
i am so beyond depressed. it's irrational, where i am. i often wonder if i'm not actually dead, and i'm just haunting my apartment.

i can't bring myself to care about anything enough to anything about anything. i've been trying to write THIS post for over a week, and everytime before now i've started, i just couldn't.
i think i gave up? i don't know. at all.

i'm lost and i can't even see a path, i can't find north, and i can't figure out why  should even bother to try. so i just lie here, day after day, because what else am i going to do? there's nothing else. nothing that's *better* anyway. i'm in a trap and i don't know why and i don't know how to get out and i don't know if it's even worth it to try and get out because then what would i do? i still can't do anything, i have no future.

and people keep telling me i do. and get mad at me when ask "what", because they sure as fuck don't see one either, but it doesn't matter, does it? i'm not allowed to be "selfish", gods forbid. all i'm allowed to do is float here in hell.

so that's why i disappeared. i don't know if this is a reappearance in truth, or just me haunting someplace else.

but i miss you all. you were all there when i asked for help. i can't ever thank you enough for that.

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Thursday, July 19th, 2012
7:15 pm - looking for book
irony; i know the title. it *does not help*

because there are forty bajillion books with the title.

[copy-paste from TVTropes, none of the links work. looking for this book!]
Twice Upon a Time re-tells "Rumpelstiltskin" from the point-of view of the girl's father, who gets into tax-trouble, and all the "Prince Charming gets the girl" stories from the point of view of the prince. He eventually turns into the Beast, jaded and nearly insane, and ends up with Beauty because her pets don't sing (She's only got the horse, silent as the grave, by the way), she doesn't do fancy fixtures (Cinderella, who drained the treasury), have a blood/ sharp stuff fetish (Sleeping Beauty, whose "thing" got way out of hand), or like groupsex (Snow White, whom he executed for cheating-with all seven dwarves). Hansel and Gretel have a different ending, they get adopted by Rumpelstiltskin and his wife.

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Monday, April 30th, 2012
7:59 pm - cute vs deadly

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2012
2:54 am - crying


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Sunday, April 22nd, 2012
10:47 pm - THIS is why i wanted to go into Journalism + update
kid in Iowa comes out, friends turn on kids, family doesn't believe how bad bullying is, kid kill self...
we KNOW that story.
then: Iowa paper decides "enough is fucking enough - knock that shit off"

they are trying to help. are they suceeding? don't know, not the point. they even talk about the movie/documentary "Bully" [did i ever post the link here to sign the petition to make it PG13?]. the point is that MSM is actively trying to help - not just bitching about "how sad" it is that these kids - with often ZERO support and NO ONE on their side, not even parents [the ones who are supposed to love you NO MATTER WHAT] and more negative interactions than anyone not going thru something like that could believe - just "aren't strong enough" to deal.

who the fuck *IS*?!?! no, really. when i went thru something similar, it wasn't everyone, people weren't AFRAID to be around me, i wasn't going to ruin a rep just by my mere presence. i was a "slut", but girls weren't automatically considered "sluts" just by talking to me. and I broke.
how can i blame a kid, younger than i was, in a worse situation, for breaking like i did?

i can't. WE can't. we can blame those who drove him there [though that's often not fair; most people who bully at that age have similar problems], we can blame those who should have supported her but didn't [though it's more fair, it's also blaming another victim - the victim of loss and grief... and most parents WILL, if given time, accept. i have to believe that. my parents eventually did, after all...]. we can - and SHOULD - blame the system, schools with "strict" anti-bullying measures that are never enforced, teachers and admins who just don't/won't/can't deal with it, a system that was designed to reward the "popular", allowing them to do whatever the hell they want, and punish the "unpopular", making them the cause and scapegoat for any problem.

but after a while, blame is useless. the point is to FIX IT. and while i have some ideas, i don't have answers. no one does. [well - there are the assholes who think BS like "curing" your kid of being LGBTQUIA is an "answer", but those people ARE assholes and don't care about kids as PEOPLE - look what many of them do to their OWN kids!]

this is Backlash, people. the "War on Women" is the backlash against feminism, backlash against the very idea that women can and should be something other than baby-factories and free home labor. the "War on Terroism" is backlash against multi-culturalism, backlash against those who want to get rid of xenophobia and just get along. the "Defense of Marriage" is the backlash against those who think being gay [or lesbian or bi or trans or WHATEVER] isn't, CAN'T BE, by definition, a "sin", who think that people are PEOPLE and are able to love whom they want, as they want, so long as CONSENT is honored.

over the past 60-odd years, we as a culture really did make great strides in all three of these areas. women entered the workforce as something approaching equals, able to work in CAREERS, able to aspire to more than secretaries or drudge labor [it has NEVER been the case that most women don't work outside the home! *RICH* women didn't. every other woman HAD TO. fuck, even that Proverbs woman worked and brought in a good income]. women fought for and gained the right to control THEIR OWN bodies, the right to regulate when they had children. women gained the right to consider themselves the equals they [we!] are.
non-white people had a similar arc - gaining the right to the same schools, the same jobs, the same pay, the same expectations.

did both of these fail more than they suceeded? yes. but they were a START.

the LGBTQUIA movement was, in some ways MORE, in other ways LESS successful.
it's now a "hate crime" to attack anyone because zie is anywhere on that spectrum.
of course, it's damned hard to prove.
it's now illegal to discriminate in work, in housing, in medical, in lots of way, against LGBTQUIA.
of course, it's damned hard to prove that discrimination occured, let alone for being LGBTQUIA.
it was MORE successful, in that the majority of the US doesn't believe being gay is "sinful"
it was LESS successful. in that the majority of the US doesn't believe being gay is ok for *them*. it's an insult to be called "gay" [which is almost the same as being called "a girl". sigh]

just me musing on the whole thing. these 3 cultural initiatives - and the backlash against them - have defined my generation, and the generations that follow mine.

they still don't know what the fuck is going on with my leg. at the moment, they think it MIGHT be "complex regional pain syndrome". but probably not, as the symptoms don't quite match up. so i get to have a 4-hour long bone scan, yay. and then wait SIX MONTHS before i see neuro again. because it's quite okay to leave me in agony, because... i don't know why. whatever the fuck.
so i'm reading a LOT and ignoring everything because it's the best way i know to deal with pain. i do NOT have a better way.

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Saturday, March 10th, 2012
1:35 am - My life sucks
so, of course, i post these instead:



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Monday, March 5th, 2012
2:53 am - looking for a book
i used to have this book. it has disappeared. looking for a copy to borrow [or buy - but not for the Amazon price!]
The Bitten Word • March 2010 • ed. Ian Whates

anyone? Bueller?

EDIT: Ian Whates, the editor of the anthology, is FREAKING AWESOME. he sold me one of HIS copies - hardback, numbered [ONLY 150 of the HB were printed] and signed by all the authors, for 32 pounds, or about $50. plus shipping, of course.

*happy dance*

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Saturday, February 25th, 2012
7:13 am - what the hell else?
for the love of all that's holy, i do NOT understand what the fuck is happening to this country.

i get, without grokking, that we've always flirted with theocracy, that it seems like a good idea to LOTS of people - providing, of course, that THEY be the ones in charge, enforcing THEIR version of religion. [sane people don't think this!]

i get that we've always been a prudish nation, as disgusted by *others* having sex as we are excited and demanding of our own personal sexual gratification. [sane people don't think this!]

i get that the myth of "The Self-Reliant Man" is what has, i HUGE part, shaped this country, and continues to do so.

what i do NOT get is how those same "Self-Reliant Men" can feel that it's a GOOD thing for ANY religion - even their own! - to impose specific standards of religious observance on EVERYONE. which includes those "Self-Reliant Men" who can't be fucked to follow the religious doctrine; they're self-reliant, it doesn't apply to them!

but if any of the fucking Republican candidates ends up as president, it WILL apply to them.
same if Republicans [and tea-baggers] gain, or even keep, the seats they have.

look, it's a lot of things boiled down into 2-minute sound bites. the fear that easily accessable contraception paid for by every insurance company is going to somehow cause 12-year-olds to have the same amount of sex as 22-year-olds. the idea that MEN shouldn't have to pay for things that are ONLY for women - despite A) contraception is NOT just for women and B) WOMEN continue to have pay premiums for things that are more male-based. prostate exams. VIAGRA.
i get that the framing is confusing everyone - it's not about women's right to have proper health care, it's about religious freedom - and this is ALSO true. it's about MY FUCKING FREEDOM FROM HAVING OTHER PEOPLE'S RELIGIONS, DOGMA AND DICTATES IMPOSED ON ME

no - SERIOUSLY. unless i go to work for an actual fucking CHURCH - not a hospital or university that *may* be affiliated with, say, the Catholic Church but that *DOES* receive government funding - then my employers have NO fucking leg to stand on in their effort to force me to abide by their religious code. READ the first amendment - "make no law prohibiting" is there, yes, but ALSO there is "make no law requiring ANYONE to follow the religious mandates of ANY religion"

then there's the issue of the social safety nets.
100 years ago, we didn't have them. 100 years ago, Capitalism hadn't become the *true* religion of this country. 100 years ago, most employment was for LIFE, and it was fucking understood that there was an unwritten contract, where the employee is a loyal and hard worker, and the employer values that and takes care of it's workers. and the worker's family, if the worker happened to die. then came the age of Robber Barons and Capitalism, and these things began to disappear. instead of widows and orphans receiving stipends, they were kicked out in the cold, or installed in unsafe factories to work to death.
and the government, eventually, realized it had a compelling interest in keeping it's fucking citizens alive and in good health - and took over running the social safety nets that had once been the province of employers and churches. it *HAD* to - no one else was going to fucking do it.

and that's where we are today on those social safety nets. do people abuse them? sure - somewhere around 1-2% of the people who use those programs abuse them. [less than a quarter of those are caught - because even most of the people "abusing" them still need them, they just don't always need the them at the level they're receiving them at]

combine this hatred for the social safety nets that are, at a conservative estimate arrived at by HHS, responsible for keeping at *least* a quarter of the people in this country - most of them children! - ALIVE, with the INSANE fucking attempts to get rid of both contraception that is controlled by women [because all men have are condoms, vascectomies and withdrawl... and many men dislike condoms and will refuse to use them, often-times forcing their partners into unprotected sex that isn't called "rape" because a slut willing to have sex with a man when he will use a condom *deserves* to be raped, don'tchaknow; vascectomies are impractical for men who hope to have their own children, and withdrawl, well, what do you call people who practice withdrawl as their primary means of birth control? parents] and what do you get?
this math is easier than 2+2 - a LOT more babies with little or no access to health care, in sub-standard housing, without enough to eat, lacking in the basics required by CPS for a parent to keep custody of their children.

if they succeed, i predict that within 2 years, CPS will become COMPLETELY - instead of only mostly - incapable of dealing with all the children who need help. because so many PARENTS won't be able to truly provide for thier children. i predict a massive break-down of vaccination programs, as new parents can no longer afford them, and a return to the time - for the poor, at least, 1/3 of this country at minimum - where as many children die as live. die prevantable deaths. EASILY preventable deaths.

what the FUCK is going on? is there some mandate i don't know about that insists all non-liberals HATE everyone else? i don't mean "hate liberals" - i mean "hate anyone who isn't someone they know and like".
is it a suicide attempt by 35% of the country? most of the people who VOTE for these politicians with these views and goals are THEMELVES going to suffer for it. is it REALLY *THAT* important to prevent a stranger from receiving aid that you'll deny YOURSELF the things you need to live?

seriously - WHAT. THE. FUCK.

most people who receive government aid [before this recession, if we're still calling it that] received, on average, that aid for 3 1/2 half years, then no longer received it and went back to paying the fucking taxes as everyone else. almost EVERYONE who receives government aid has paid for it directly with their taxes - and generally also paid BEFORE they received aid, then continued to pay after they no longer received it!

and the framing on Obamacare...
i admit that i dislike Obamacare.
this is because i FIRMLY believe it isn't enough. i believe we should go to a single-payer system, and all the numbers prove that we will SAVE money in the long wrong.
the BS about "death panels" - do you want an insurance peon who is paid to deny everything they can [and more that they can't, but do anyway] to be the person deciding if you can have the life-saving treatment you need, or a government peon who couldn't care either way, because s/he won't be rewarded for denying you [and punished for approving it]?
insurance companies are the ones who run death panels.

and then, all the bullshit about not "robbing" the rich - the rich who technically pay a higher tax rate [ignoring the regressive factor] but who have the money to wiggle out of most of them, effectively paying HALF of what the poorest person paying taxes pay? Corporations who make billions, pay their officers millions, and yet end up not only NOT paying taxes, but getting money from the government.

a man who makes $1,000,000 a year can afford a tax rate of 35%. it won't force him to choose between paying the power bill or the rent. a man who makes $20,000 can NOT afford a 20% tax rate. a flat tax rate would be regressive and punish the poor while allowing the rich to continue to pile it up on the backs of the poor people who they employ but do NOT pay a living wage.
even the poorest person who doesn't pay any INCOME tax still fucking pays taxes! she pays taxes on her utilities, on her non-food groceries, on gas, on almost everything that one buys!

gods. i have become sick, literally nausous, just thinking about all of these things. most Western European countries manage to have a minimum wage that is a LIVING wage, some form of single-payer health coverage that has a HIGHER rate of good health care outcomes than the MAJORITY of citizens in this country recieve, and STILL have a standard of living as high - if not higher! - than our own.
sure, the gap between "rich" and "not rich" isn't as wide... so?

the rich are going to continue pushing until they find themselves living in fortresses. they are going to lose access to the things they most want after money. then they're going to, eventually, be torn apart by mobs. they're pushing - HARD - to turn this country into a Banana Republic, and if the succeed, they're signing their own doom along with ours. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T THEY SEE THAT?!

what the fuck GOOD does it do to be rich if you have to pay, proportionate to your wealth, 20x what you used to pay for everything? what good does it do when all the things that make being rich in this country disappear along with the middle class?

don't they UNDERSTAND that their standard of living is HIGHER when EVERYONE'S standard of living is higher?


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Tuesday, February 21st, 2012
11:43 pm - Women's Rights [email i sent to everyone i had email FOR]
Ladies [and a few gentlemen];

i don't normally share my political activities. oh, everyone knows i'm "a liberal", a feminist, etc, but i don't normally ask anyone to get involved.

but now i'm asking. below, you'll find the forwarded email i was sent, about health care reforms dealing strictly with birth control. for those who don't know, Congress held a hearing about the"new deal" for birth control - ALL MEN, all of whom oppose birth control being paid for by employers. they *SAY* they oppose because employers "shouldn't" have to pay for BC, and because MEN shouldn't "have" to pay for it thru their insurance premiums - but please note, women still pay, thru THEIR insurance premiums, for things like viagra. the "new deal" provides for insurance companies to offer BC coverage without going thru the employer, who may be a Catholic funded something, and everyone knows Catholics don't have to do what every OTHER employer has to do. [it is my opinion that the "religion" of ANY org that receives ANY government funding - as both Catholic Hospitals and Catholic universities *DO* - should NOT get any sort of religious exemption, because they're receiving government funding. unless/until they stop receiving ANY government, funding, they accept all the things that come with.]

the big problem isn't that many employers don't want to "pay" for birth control - the big problem is that Congress ONLY allowed men who were opposed to BC coverage to speak at the official Congressional hearings about this issue. women weren't allowed to speak on an issue that many - incorrectly - claim to be a women-only issue.

i also don't tend to say things like i'm about to say - this is, and has been, a war on women. even if one is "pro-life", access to abortion is one of the *few* things that allows easy access to birth control to continue. and you know the "pro-life" organizations and politicians aren't *really* "pro-life" - they're almost always pro-death-sentence, they want funding to HUD, WIC, Food Stamps, TANF, school-sponsored meals for poor, and a host of OTHER programs that, often, are the only things keeping *MANY* children alive, they want to cut funding or cut those programs. they want to get rid of abortion, but oppose more and cheaper and easier birth control - the ONE thing proven to lower abortion rates is birth control, but they fight tooth and nail to prevent easier/cheaper access to it.
their actions speak louder than words - they don't care about BORN children, just those in utero. because it is not, and never HAS been a "matter of life" for the orgs and the politicians - it's been, as always, about controlling women [and, to an extent, men. men who have to marry the woman they get pregnant, who have to work to support a family at 18 or 20, are NOT men who have time to get all the college they want, not men able to do everything they hoped and dreamed of, not men who have the time and extra money to fight the system.] they want women to return to the home, and men to return to doing nothing but being "bread-winners".
it's about returning to a fictional time, the neo-50s, which didn't exist as the Republicans claim they existed. poor women have *always* worked, for example. the progress that has been made in the past 60 years, the real, true, human-right's progress, scares many on the political Right. they don't want well-informed voters who vote their true interest; they want sheeple who are single-issue voters. and they *know* they're losing ground, that the MAJORITY of this country is pro-birth-control, pro-choice, and pro-equality [in all ways, not just gender-equality].

i know many of you aren't political, but on this issue, i beg you - go, sign the petition, send it/forward to other women [and men!] who care about their own [and their sibling's, their friend's, their children's, nieces and nephews, friend's children, etc] rights, especially their right to NOT have their sexual and reproductive future dictated by the minority of this country who feel that women are nothing more than a uterus and men [who aren't them] are nothing more than their ability to get women pregnant and pay for those women and children to eat.

i'm lucky - i was FINALLY [after searching ever since i turned 18] able to find a doctor who would tie my tubes [men don't have this problem. an 18-y-o man can walk into a doctor's office and get a vasectomy. an 18-y-o woman will be told "wait until you're X age/had X children - because 'you might change your mind'" so will a 30-y-o woman. even a 33-y-o woman like me, who has a disease that will almost definitely kill me - less than 1% chance of survival - if i attempt to carry a pregnancy. the doc before the awesome one who tied my tubes in September pulled the "you might change your mind. come back after you've had 2 kids, and with your husband's permission".]
most poor women in this country struggle to get birth control. it hasn't been covered by MANY insurance plans, and too many people work at jobs that will do *anything* to avoid providing insurance. Planned Parenthood has been losing funding for YEARS, and often isn't able to provide free birth control. despite what Republican politicians and Catholic Bishops say, birth control *IS* a vital part of women's health care - 99% of the women in this country will use BC - and *IS* a vital part women's political and economic rights and freedoms - without access to affordable birth control, women lose their rights. most especially their right to control their own bodies and own futures.

ok - i'm done preaching.
but - i'm terrified. not for me personally, but for all the women and girls i know, and the millions i don't know. i'm not overreacting; if the far-right wins *this* battle, the next will be easier. with "Personhood" amendments in over 20 states. plus all the other BS in this state *alone* ["fetal heartbeat" laws, anyone? mandatory *vaganal* sonograms if one wants an abortion? which in any OTHER case would be "medical rape"... it's getting worse, not better] i'm terrified that a minority of this country is going to win, because the majority just "knows" that birth control, and control of one's body, is a right, and so won't fight for these right until too late.

Elizabeth Barnett, LTG
COCOM Liztopia Army Central
Liztopia 7th Army
[The Lizbian Military was created to Take Over The World. It may be activated soon :) ]

--- On Tue, 2/21/12, Nancy Keenan, NARAL Pro-Choice America <can@prochoiceamerica.org> wrote:

From: Nancy Keenan, NARAL Pro-Choice America <can@prochoiceamerica.org>
Subject: Where are the women?
To: denelian@yahoo.com
Date: Tuesday, February 21, 2012, 2:11 PM


Did you see the picture of the all-male panel of witnesses at a congressional hearing on birth control last week?

That image spurred the question: Where are the women?

What’s even worse is the pro-choice female witness who was going to speak about the importance of birth control to women was not allowed to testify. The committee’s chairman said she was not “qualified” or “appropriate” for the hearing.

The attacks on birth control are getting out of control. As soon as February 27, the Senate could vote on a measure that could undo the entire no-cost birth-control coverage policy!

In fact, if we lose this vote, insurers, employers, and corporations will get the right to deny you coverage for virtually any essential health service required under the new health-reform law that they oppose – including contraception.

We can’t let this happen!

Here’s what we have to do: flood the Senate with emails. Every single office, every single pro-choice American. That’s what it’s going to take.

Use this link: http://bit.ly/zOlIke

Thank you for adding your name.

A political organization, NARAL Pro-Choice America is the nation's leading advocate for privacy and a woman's right to choose.

Sign up for emails | Update your profile | Unsubscribe | Visit our website

© Copyright 2012 NARAL Pro-Choice America & NARAL Pro-Choice America Foundation. All rights reserved.

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Thursday, February 9th, 2012
7:15 am - i've been thinking about God/dess(es)
specifically, in my quest to join the Bible to my personal, pagan beliefs - after all, until some censor came in and scratched her out, the OT talked about Goddess as well as God [Asherah, who has many other names in other cultures, which is only fair, since Yaweh/Jehova started off as a Babylonian God, and was only one of many] and then there's a post on a forum i frequent [called "Commandments of Men"] where the topic was "Urban Legends in [U.S. fundamentalist] Christian Churches - like the UNTRUE Urban Legand that Sodom was destroyed for the "sin" of homosexuality - it was NOT. it was destroyed for the sins of xenophbia, excess. gluttony. Becoming proud, fat, and lazy in their excess and gluttony. Uncharitable. to quote:
Ezekial 16:49 Look, this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: She and her daughter had pride, fullness of food, and abundance of idleness; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.

and all of this was interesting. then it turned to sin-in-general [and "is being gay a sin? or is it just having gay sex? or is THAT not a sin any more than any other sex, i.e. it's okay to have gay sex in marriage but not outside? or ok to have gay sex if there's love, but not without?" most of these people - aside from the few trolls, ALL of these people - are recovering fundies, so it was a good discussion for THEM, the consensus being "it's my job to love them, it's GOD'S job to judge them. it's between them and God and so long as no one's getting hurt i won't care", but i stayed out of that part *completely*. because it's hard to be polite even when you KNOW the people aren't trying to be assholes, when they're being assholes.]
from sin-in-general, a debate as to whether or not we are born with a "sin nature". erm...
Not Christian. not sure what a "sin nature" is - being human?

THEN someone brought up Genisis and the creation story, and, well... it made me really, really think about what i think about Genisis.
first, i DO NOT think it's literal in anyway. i firmly believe that the word "day" used in the OT is a mistranslation of the Hebrew - it's a word that can mean "day" or it can mean "eon: an unknowable/ununderstandable [to a human] length of time", and i believe the latter meaning.
but this is what i think in the context of the myth - and i think the myth *IS* one of the myths about humanity's childhood, not the only one of course. i believe God/dess(es) created the world and caused it to evolve - eventually, she had homo sapiens sapiens - something that could LEARN and GROW without losing the ability to LOVE. and then, there was the choice - live forever as children, or eat, learn, change. change is always difficult, even if - maybe especially if - it's a good change.

here's what i wrote over there:

like many non-Christians, I've studied the Bible a lot, and like many pagans, have struggled to fit the Bible into my belief system.

God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent and omnibenevolent. yes? could such a being NOT KNOW what he was creating and what would happen?

this is just *MY* take, granted - but this: God created the world. for whatever reason - and, as a side note, how MANY worlds has He created? we were created in His image; how MANY images does he have? i think that we'll find people who are trilateral who were made in It's image [as I'm hoping in a trisexual race, the Neuters would be the "top" sex...] - he created Man, then Woman [joke: God created Adam, then created Eve as the upgrade :D ]. he set them down WITH the Trees - and you don't think THAT was deliberate? a SNAKE - a thing that has no Will, as a human does [i.e. Free Will] tempts Eve with the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. think THAT'S an "accident"?

no - i think it was, is, in a metaphorical sense, a CHOICE that God offered, knowing the penalty either way. had they eaten of the Tree of Life first, sure, they'd be immortal - and ALONE. no children.
they - as vaguely as they understood anything - were given a choice: literal immortality, or figurative immortality but also the ability to REASON. i can't believe that beings without the ability to know Good from Evil made the choice to KNOW blindly - that God, whatever name we call Her, ALLOWED that choice to be made blindly. i believe the snake was the instrument She used to lead her children into being PEOPLE.

knowledge is NEVER free. THAT is the REAL moral of the Creation story - knowledge is the most precious gem in universe, and God, awesome [in the true sense of the word] as He is, knew that knowledge without price is the truest folly - and so He allowed his children to choose knowledge, and extracted the necessary payment.

it's the creation story that leads to the idea of "Original Sin" - i.e. that we are ALL born with the "sin" of eating of the Fruit, since [according to the story] we are all BORN because of that "sin". without the "sin", Adam and Eve would still be alive, hanging in the Garden, "happy" as only a pet can be.

God/dess doesn't want PETS! S/He wants children who will one day grow up enough to give Him/Her real conversations, help in His/Her work.

that's my take. some of that is, obviously, from my own life - my parents are [now] my friends as much as they are my parents [and I'm as much their friend as i am their daughter. hell, on some things, *I* am the only person they can talk to. which is honestly the coolest thing ever, it's one of the few things in my life right now that I'm really proud of] because to a LARGE extent, one tends to model God after their parents. granted, that's the childish view of God that we all [in theory] eventually outgrow - but it starts there. [i remember looking at my mom one day, when i was 12 or so, and thinking "No wonder i always expect Her to heal me - that's what my mom does all the time, heals people." it shook my world a lot, to realize so much of what i THOUGHT Goddess was, was the stuff about my mom that i most respected. not WRONG to think that, but it made me feel very... unstudied? uneducated? anyway]

we grow through adversity - ask any high school coach :) but that's a cliché for a reason, because it's true. we are all given adversity, however big or small, because the POINT of life is to GROW, to grow up mostly, but also to learn and to love - to become people that are worthy, in a particular sense, of God. not "worthy" in the sense of "sinless" - we CAN'T be sinless, it's not possible, not because we're inherently sinful, but because A) the world isn't that way but really B) without sin, there is no adversity [whether the sin is ours or someone else's, to cause the adversity, doesn't matter - we all sin, to create adversity] and without adversity, we aren't tested and we don't GROW - and if we don't grow, what use could we be?

i think God, though She has billions of faces [at least one for every person, ever] must be very, *very* lonely sometimes. or was, once, before She gave birth to us and all the other people, and let us grow up. WE, humanity, hasn't grown up [though SOME of us were OBVIOUSLY in accelerated learning while here!] but i think, over all, we're slowly getting closer. on my best days, i see the evil and hate happening now as something akin to "teen angst and rebellion" - so we ARE getting closer.

of course, some people don't want to grow up at ALL *coughFUNDIEScough*. God may have to drag THEM kicking and screaming into adulthood...

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Monday, February 6th, 2012
2:16 am - I'm alive [and no longer Barbie...]
i really, really did make a post a few days ago, saying i was home from the hospital - had been ther 23 freaking days and they never did figure it out, but whatever the fuck. my leg is *almost* back to normal - the only bad thing is, i'm pretty sure it's getting better had NOTHING to do with anything they did.


but i've been sleeping OMG a LOT. sorry all :( i miss everyone! i just... sleep. sigh

what's the second part of that about?
but to pull directly:
• If Barbie were an actual women, she would be 5’9” tall, have a 39” bust, an 18” waist, 33” hips and a size 3 shoe.
• Barbie calls this a “full figure” and likes her weight at 110 lbs.
• At 5’9” tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. She likely would not menstruate.
• If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
• Slumber Party Barbie was introduced in 1965 and came with a bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs with a book entitled “How to Lose Weight” with directions inside stating simply “Don’t eat.”

i bitch sometimes that i used to look like Barbie. when i was younger, i weighed 123 pounds - that was my weight from 8th grade until after i'd been married for a while.
my freshman year is the year i moved from a DDD to a FF bra. my measurments [again, until after i'd been married a while] were 32FF-22-33. i'm 5'8", and have been since 7th grade. thankfully, my shoe size is a nice, normal 8.
at 5'8, with THAT size bust, i also looked rather anorexic. i wasn't, though doctors would think so [if they saw my weigh. my mother's demand that i wear clothing that "didn't show off [my] boobs" meant that people were FOREVER thinking i was *over* weight. then they'd weigh me - i've mentioned how doctors would lecture me on the "ills" of being overweight, see my *actual* weight, and change lectures mid-lecture to one on the ills of anorxia? yeah...] but i wasn't, i DID eat. and i ate more "bad" food than good. i was just always busy, always moving. i can't move much anymore.
but i lost weight over the past 6 weeks or so - a good 15 pounds. and i wore a pair of Pete's pants [i have multiple pairs of camo pants, in every color BUT green and brown. i have the purple ones, blue ones, red ones, black and white ones, and regular green. but he's got the green and brown] and mine fall off me. for some reason, Pete's made me look even *skinnier* than i am. and i often wear shirts that ACTUALLY fit now. and someone tonight told me i looked like "Military Barbie".


really, i DON'T anymore!

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Thursday, January 12th, 2012
7:34 am - not dead
though not for lack of trying on the part of a specific doctor...

ok. this is fairly long, but here's what happened from the beginning [so far as i *know*, this is the beginning] <B>THE STORY</B>Collapse )

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Saturday, December 31st, 2011
7:26 am - Changing Rape Culture
long, long, long. also, trigger warning, talk of rape, domestic violence, etcCollapse )

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Friday, December 30th, 2011
8:57 am - this was just hilarious


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Thursday, December 29th, 2011
2:38 am - My new hero


my best guess as to Riley's age is 6.

a 6-y-o has articulated what i've been trying to explain to people - especially my mother! - for YEARS. when i was a kid, i wanted Transformers and G.I. Joes and most importantly, i wanted the giant Voltron. [i got it. it ROCKED. it was 3 feet high when in Voltron-form, but you could pull each Lion out, too, and have the 5 Lions - and there were action figures IN the Lions - PJ and Hunk and Lance and Princess Aurora and the guy who's name i can't remember, *sob*]

i did NOT like dolls. or playing house. though Barbies were fun, cuz i'd mod 'em with G.I. Joe stuff and send them to war - it's EASY to remove a Barbie arm or leg, as an amputation due to shrapnel...

anyway, my point:


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Saturday, December 17th, 2011
6:43 am - genetics really *DO* determine everything, don't they?
as you may know, i have Plans To Take Over The World. [I also have Plans To Help Others Take Over The World - per contract, i can continue my own quest for World Domination and Imposement of Sanity, so long as A) i continue to aid said Others, and B) should My Plan be the one to succeed, said Others are given posts in My New Sane World Government that are equal to the post offered me if they succeed with their Plan and install their New Sane World Government. or: whoever gets there first makes sure it happens and rewards all who worked toward a New Sane World Government]

anyway, i'm often REALLY goofy [i mean, just read that first paragraph! i'm a 34-y-o halfbreed Cherokee stuck in a wheelchair with both physical and mental chronic illnesses - i'm going to take over the world? REALLY?]

goofy. about a year and a half ago, i sent my dad an email, and my sig was this:

Elizabeth Barnett, LTG
COCOM Liztopia Army Central
Liztopia 7th Army

my dad, of course, answered the email. he answered it from work, on his work email, and replaced his auto-sig [the one he's required to use on all State-business, so it shows up on EVERY email. he's allowed to send personal email, though not a LOT of it, it wasn't THAT it was a personal email, it was the auto-sig replacement] with:

Barney Barnett, Supreme Commander
82 Airborne Combat Programming Squadron
Liztopia 1st Air Force


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